It was a simple Saturday outing to the library...I had nothing left on the bedside table to read and wanted a good two-hours browsing at my regional...I'm especially fond of history, poetry, biography and the odd novel. I love to wander the aisles looking for DVDs or catching up on favourite magazines or newspapers.
After checking out eight items, and spending a bit reading, I ventured out to meet the bus. Book propped open on my lap, I was thusly engrossed when a familiar Florida drawl assailed my ears.
It was a former land lady, someone with whom I had lived twenty-five years ago and spent many years thereafter befriending. She is 92 or so now and was among a a small group emerging from the library. She did not appear to notice me, nor did I say anything to attract her attention.
The reason? She chose to disappear from my life entirely in late 2009 when it was determined by my doctor and two physiotherapists that I should use a wheelchair. Though she was hardly the first to do so, her departure was abrupt and complete, without so much as a by-your-leave. Matters were complicated when before exiting, she made a pronouncement to me that her adult granddaughter should never marry her Jewish boyfriend because it would cause too many problems...
And, she could not cope with anymore sadness...Why, exactly, my life's transition had to be a source of sadness when it had nothing to do with her, is beyond me. By that point, however, my bullshit meter was going full force, and several steps ahead of her, I could see where this was leading.
She is a card-carrying liberal in other respects and fancies herself "enlightened."
If this bigotry passes for enlightenment, I am fortunate to be shed of this relationship. At the time, however, all I could think was how sad that people become trapped in their pre-conceived notions, whether related to disability, aging, religion or what have you.
I ceased to be a person and a friend and became a problem and one with which she "could not cope." This situation is not at all uncommon for those with disabilities, particularly wheelchair users. From my conversations with other wheelchair users, apparently the wheelchair is a symbol of ultimate disablement in the minds of many.
While having my chair has changed how I get around, having it enables me to continue getting out and doing things, a fact lost on otherwise perceptive individuals. I also live in and maintain my own flat. I do use a cleaner once a month and enlist the help of a cabbie once a week to get groceries. Other than that, I'm on my own. My extended family lives elsewhere and while I am cordial to them, we are not close. I do have very good friends here and though social and community-minded, I also value my privacy and I'm not one to demand attention or "rescue" from the vicissitudes of life.
From my perspective, life is a great leveler. I am confronting issues and situations that many hope never touch them. Life changes with age and time and though I am a mere 53, I hope to have many more productive years and friends who value my gifts and presence in their lives. That said, there is much work to be done to shift ignorance regarding persons with disabilities. I am a person first, not a problem to be sorted or someone whose lot in life should be pitied.
And, yet, there I sat on an overcast Saturday, hit in the face again with the view that somehow I was so much of problem for someone that my presence could not be tolerated. I and millions more like me are here to stay. Our numbers are growing daily and may someday include you, dear reader. If I do nothing else until the day I drop, I hope that somehow my presence will shed some light on antiquated and hurtful notions, dispelling them completely.
7 comments:
My husband's severe illness shook out the real people from the mouths spouting right on attitudes....though he did not, in the end, have to take to a wheelchair. But the number of health professionals who treated him as a case, not a person, was disturbing too.
As you know, my sister is very disabled with MND and also has a wheelchair. She still finds it hard when she goes out in public and gets the usual curious stares and unwanted attention. Fortunately she has a very devoted husband who makes her life a lot easier than it would otherwise be. Yes, interesting that this card-carrying Liberal regards your disability as an insurmountable "problem", likewise Jewish boyfriends. People's real attitudes can be quite shocking when they unexpectedly come to the surface.
Since I first broke my back then 2 years later broke my neck and have had all of the fusions and what not...most of my "friends" are cheery enough unless I am having on of those days where the cane is a necessity. Needless to say I am fine alone I have my life and I live, maybe not as painlessly as i did 35 years ago but I do know I gt here to today not because i was careless or reckless but because other people simply were to wrapped up in their world to notice they were about to collide with mine.
But Lord knows when they need a shoulder, it's the guy with time they lean on. *shrug* We have removed the ity out of human.
The question of "What does friendship mean?" to different people, is a big one. Your post still burns with the hurt of being disappointed by a friend. I feel like saying "I'm sorry for your loss". Everyone has to sleep with themselves at the end of the day. It strikes me that she is the one to be pitied.
Some people are assholes regardless of age and how they view themselves. YOu are well to be rid of her. And I laud your fiercely fought for independence. My MS victim ex-wife is relegated to a walker and fears a wheelchair will soon be on her horizon, but she's philosophical about it and she's a tough broad. She still drives and hopes to be able to continue that. I love all those who rise above adversity.
That is a moving and life-enhancing piece of writing in which you manage to compact so much sense into just a few paragraphs. I remember when I became deaf 25 years ago suddenly being faced with a series of friends who were no more, they either could not face any more sadness in their lives or found it just too difficult to cope with my disability. But I also recall those friends who blossomed during those difficult years, friends who stayed strong and saw beyond the disability.
It is quite appalling to feel that you are a problem for someone else. Not only is it insulting but it is dehumanising too.
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