I've always been a person who could get along in almost any social circumstance. While I am rather reserved by nature, those who do not know me well often assume that I am shy when, in fact, I am taking in whatever is going on around me. My friends and colleagues know I rarely miss a trick. In a former life, I often did interviews, and learned how to observe. Both are part of any good writer's stock in trade.
The other evening, I attended a singles function and deliberately sat with a table of strangers thinking that perhaps I might draw out one of them and have an interesting chat. What happened instead was that the group at my table became an audience for the only actor in the room who had just finished a film. Here was a man full of funny stories and jokes who knew how to work at least our part of the room. The end result was that no-one at our table had a chance to meet anyone else. I also noticed, however, that those at other tables stayed to themselves and only spoke to people with whom they were already acquainted.
My standard question after introducing myself generally involves asking about the others line of work as this is not too personal. That was met with, "Well, why don't we wait till everyone sits so I don't have to repeat myself?" More than a question, it was a rebuff. I will not ask this of the same individual should we meet again. At similar functions, I am usually eventually cornered by someone curious about my chair, if not me. Even that was a non-starter in this particular group.
All of this begs the question, whatever happened to mingling? Are we all so enthralled with our mobiles and access to the Internet that we've lost the art of face-to-face conversation? Perhaps middle and late middle aged adults have become so jaded that they no longer enjoy meeting others? If true, then why attend at all?
What do you think?
13 comments:
i think in some ways over time we have just lost the art of being a human being...
Having moved to Costa Rica I appreciate what you are saying.
While meeting Costariccencses we discuss..when with gringos it goes just as you say.
I've tried three or four times in a gringo group....forget it.
In a costariccense group...we all natter. Which has done wonders for my local Spanish.
The end of the conversational, social world is in sight. However, I have found that the question "what is your passion?' is more likely to elicit a sincere and engaged response than "what do you do?" ,which can be answered by Google Search.
Brian,
I sincerely hope not...it wasn't a stretch to see why most of the people in that crowd were single, unfortunately.
Fly,
I've had the same experience you describe with Americans...I'm about to give up myself...
English Rider,
I have also tried this, with mixed results. It seems to work better with women than it does with men.
Mingling requires a degree of bravery and self-exposure that some people find hard to manage, and I think it's a skill that we may be losing. People want everything tailored to their individual needs and desires. It's similar to "personalizing" the news, in which readers are only exposed to what "interests" them -- as with Google feeds. They no longer read general-interest newspapers, and in social situations they no longer know how to cope with a more general population. That's my theory.
I've lately observed that I am really great with one other person, but I tend to be a listener if there is more than one. Maybe it's because my voice doesn't carry well. Or maybe it's because I got my father's antisocial genes.
My mingling skills were highly honed when I was in a sorority in college, but I fear I no longer have those skills.
Personally I can hold an hours long conversation (which also includes listening) with a single person or a group of many. But to be perfectly honest I do not have a single bad thing to say about the solitude of isolation.
I've often encountered that strange habit of people staying with a group they know and never introducing themselves to anyone unfamiliar. What's the point? They might as well be somewhere else. I like the question "What's your passion?" I must try that out sometime.
I did ask someone once about their passion and the response was a list...We actually had a nice conversation and she is a friend today because of that.
I am definitely not a mingler, more like a wallflower...
though it may sound odd to those who know me well.
People usually find me charming if not quite memorable, I think...
I believe people are now more comfortable talking via the web than in person.
It is my case!!
Technologies have affected how we communicate nowadays.
:)~
HUGZ
I do agree with you - and I also think that some of what you say probably applies to me. I seem to have lost that ability to conversationally mingle and I suspect that my hearing problems are largely behind this. I like to know where conversations are going as this gives me a better chance of working out what people might be saying from the limited clues my cochlear implant provides.
I think people have become increasingly dependent on their social networking devices, which is ironic since this mostly precludes actual interacting with others. Plus, widespread insecurity seems to make people more sheeplike, which is why celebrities are so worshiped when most of them have done nothing to inspire our interest, let alone devotion. It's strange that as the world shrinks, our abilities to relate to others does too. You would think the opposite would be true.
I love to mingle but...part of my problem is I don't like to say much about myself. I'd always rather talk about some other thing or listen to what the other person/people have to say (if it's interesting!). In fact, I'd much rather listen than talk.
So, it works well when I pick the right people, and not so well when I don't...
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