As I awaited my weekly grocery delivery today, the phone rang and my friend asked if I would be home so she could come and install the new deadbolt. I agreed and the deed was done, meowing feline and grocery arrival notwithstanding. My friend, however, encountered dry rot in the door frame and offered the optimistic view that perhaps it was throughout and I ought not be concerned. She then ventured the opinion that I perhaps consider moving to one of those facilities better suited to my needs, and this isn't the first mention she's made, either.
I found myself biting my tongue...
She is obviously ignorant of the fact that people with disabilities in this country have fought for the right to live independently and that most of us are unfortunately stuck in housing that we cannot afford to modify extensively due to cost. There is a shortage of wheelchair-modified housing. Additionally, this modification is expensive and there is no magic fairy or prince's trust here. This is America and grants for such endeavors are and always have been in short supply. Veterans disabled by the war effort can get money from the federal government via the Veteran's Administration up to $70, 000. Since our wormy politicians and equally "astute" congresspersons ask the military to risk lives in foreign conflicts, though I object to this use of my tax dollars, I also feel these men and women deserve this help when it is needed.
The rest of us have to slog along the best we can, but why, I wonder, do people think that life "in a facility" is actually preferable to one's independence?
Of one thing I am certain. The next time this supposedly well-intentioned friend opens her mouth with this remark, she will get an earful, as I have had quite enough. I am neither an invalid nor am I helpless to think and make decisions for myself. I can bathe, dress and feed myself, take care of animals, manage bills, organise appointments, outings and transport and go places alone as well as with others.
At this point, I am wondering how best to offer a tactful but firm response...
12 comments:
i think an open honest convo before it happens again is in order...invite her over for tea or coffee and just let her know...
Yikes! I hope the dry rot isn't through the whole door frame. Maybe although you heard the door slam it didn't actually latch and just blew open again. (When we came back from Iceland our balcony door was wide open -- apparently blown open by the wind. Fortunately we live on the 6th floor so we had no intruders!)
It's got to be frustrating when friends make comments like suggesting you move. But keep in mind she's said it out of concern for you, and she has been willing to help you with things like installing your door latch. You don't want to alienate a friend! I think you can be firm by saying you are committed to living independently, without "giving her an earful."
I am sure your friend meant well. Sometimes though people need to be told things - tactfully though of course.
What does one say?
Haven't you just said it? Your last but one paragraph is all that's needed!
For those who may be interested, I did say at one point that I might consider that arrangement as an elderly person. She did not seem to understand that that should be the end of the subject. Some people just love to bang on about things. I'm stopping here.
Try what my 96 year old mother said to a well meaning social worker.
I spent years listening to what other people thought was right for me and thank goodness I ignored all of it.
They are not me. They do not know what I need better than I do. Just because the body is not so good it doesn't mean the mind has gone off the boil.
I'd really appreciate your help to do what I want to do...that's the sort of help I need.
Fly,
Thank you (and your mother, too). Your mother was right.
Don't get too excited, I think a lo of people say this with your best interest in mind but either don't have contact with anyone with disabilities or just don't think. My aunt was quite disabled and had a wheelchair but had she lived independently instead of in an over 55 villa, she would have had access to local area health services that weren't afforded her there. Stick with it, be patient and explain quietly what you've just posted here. She'll probably feel awful that she's made such a faux pas
I'm with Brian...tell it how it is.
SP
I know what you mean. My sister, who has motor neurone disease, still lives at home with her husband despite being virtually immobile and speechless and finding it difficult to eat. There's no way she would want to live in a special "facility".
She's fortunate that her local council agreed to contribute to the cost of building a special ground-floor extension so she didn't need to go upstairs.
Your friend needs to rethink her outmoded attitude.
Be gentle as you clearly explain your feelings. I'm sure she didn't intend to offend you. Sometimes people just need to be able to look at something from someone else's perspective.
Good luck with staying safe in your current location! Unfortunately Florida breeds bugs and rot...
A door frame is easy to replace these days. They come now with the door and one can transfer the fittings.
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